Four is tough...T-O-U-G-H. Tougher than the terrible twos or even the tyrannical threes. For our family, this truly has been a period of "Fiendish Fours." Over the last several months, Noah's behavior has been VERY unpredictable - as in all sweet, precious, loving little boy one moment and an ugly, horrible beast with fangs, red eyes, and a ghastly temper the next...often without warning or apparent reason. Defiance is this monster's name and it's an all out battle when he shows up. If you need a visual, picture something a little like this:
Or according to Noah, he might look more like this:
These struggles are always nasty and after yelling, gnashing of teeth, objections of "I don't waaaaant tooooo" following by collapses in the floor, a few "I don't love you"s and "You're mean!"(those are my favorite), verbal lashings, a spanking, and many tears (often on all our parts) the three of us end up feeling more or less defeated. So defeated, in fact, that if my kid wasn't around to witness, I'd probably have "a sit in a corner hugging my knees, rocking back and forth, and pleading "Why, Lord, whhhhhy????" moment of weakness. Or worse...I experience a hypoglycemic "crash" and collapse in a ineffective heap...which is also bad. Very, very bad. Dangerous even.
These power struggles have to go.
So after one such battle this morning, I decided that enough was enough. I didn't like Noah very much after this particular temper tantrum, and more importantly, I REALLY didn't like myself and how I elected to respond to said tantrum. Normally I can control my temper fairly well for two reasons: 1) because I'm very aware of what stress does to my blood sugars (intense anger and agitation - envision the Incredible Hulk - followed by a severe crash); and 2) I know that a parent should never feel out of control in their response to their child(ren)'s misbehavior. Today, however, I could feel myself on the brink of "losing it." I was ANGRY and patience had walked out the door somewhere between the time Noah elected to hurl one of his trains across the room and when he repeatedly threw himself against me while screaming his head off as I toted his basket of trains to the guest room to enforce his punishment. In those moments, I just have to walk out of the room and not come back until I've collected myself. It was just...that...bad. Game over.
Here's what I know: I know that it's a preschooler's "job" to be oppositional - this is the time when they are learning that they have some control over their world and are discovering their own autonomy. I totally get it. I also know that I would MUCH rather have a child that is confident enough to express their emotions and stand up for themselves rather than never feeling like they have a voice in any matter. That was me for much of my childhood - really well-behaved but "voiceless"- and I don't want that for Noah. I want him to trust that I will honor his thoughts and feelings and won't always squash or dismiss his point of view....even if we disagree. So how do you balance the two?
We already employ a lot of the recommended tactics for handling defiant children: giving positive attention to good behavior, ignoring or walking away from annoying behavior, and using positive opposites. They work, but aren't 100% effective means of responding to every situation, especially in public settings. So I went digging on the Internet this morning in hopes of seeing what other parents recommend in response to this phase in four year old behavior and this is what I saw repeatedly: Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. As in, "Oh...your kid misbehaves? Repeatedly? Well then, they
must have some type of disorder...you should have them check out." Are you kidding me??? First of all, this is a slap in the face to any family truly struggling through one of these concerns. To so flippantly suggest that a child is dealing with a real emotional, behavior, and psychological issues at the first sign of conflict is like equating someone's spouse's absence on a business trip (I don't care how long) with the absence of a military spouse on deployment to Afghanistan. It's offensive and totally discredits what families with REAL diagnoses in these disorders are going through. Second, maybe the problem truly lies with us...the parents. I think we're far too quick to lay the blame for our children's behavior at their feet - as in "they're overly [willful, headstrong, exceptionally naughty, etc.] and that's why my disciplinary tactics are not working." They're children and unless they actually have one of the aforementioned concerns, I don't buy the "my kid is just
unique and doesn't respond well to discipline." Chances are, the weakness is ours...not theirs. As much as I hate admitting fault, I recognize that these issues are indicators of
my failures as a parent...not
his failures as my child.
So, Chris and I did a little self-reflecting this morning, looking for areas in which we could improve
our responses to the disciplinary issues we're facing with particular attention given to consistency, clarity, confidence, and (visual) cues. The Four C's. :) And here are a few of the modifications we plan to make on our part:
No more counting. Popular parenting technique, but in our house it's ineffective. It's just taught Noah that he has three (or more) chances to comply with a desired behavior. "One...two...three" usually involves some foot dragging and mucho delaying until the very last moment...AND that's when he finally begins to clean up, respond to being summoned, or actually head up to bed. Instead, we are going to implement something similar to the following: "Noah, it's 7:30 and bedtime is at 8. Your toys must be picked up by 7:45 (or whatever is a reasonable time) or the'll go in a box and you won't be able to play with them for 2 days." And if he doesn't respond appropriately, every toy left out will be removed and placed in the "Box of Doom" (Chris' parents will appreciate this one) for the designated time period. No fuss, no arguments, no response to any tantrum or chaos that ensues.
We will remain calm. Discussion will take place...but only after he's calmed down and acknowledged his wrong doing.
No more freebies. Sometimes it will actually dawn on Noah that he's about to lose a favorite toy or privilege as a result of misbehaving and the only viable option he has left before his punishment is fully carried out is to apologize profusely. This usually involves him clinging to me (or Chris) when we're in the process of removing his toys and screaming at the top of his lungs: "Pleeeezzzzz Mom....I'm sooorrrry! I'mmmmm sooooorrrrry!" And what have we done in the past? We sometimes feel sorry for him, let the punishment slide, and give him one more chance. (
You know you've done it too. ;) So, no more second or third chances. Once punishment enforcement is in play - typically when we're rounding up toys to go into the Box of Doom or sending him up to bed 30 minutes early - the action will be carried out.
Timers...and other visual and auditory signals. We have been utilizing timers for awhile now (like for timeouts), but we're not using them as well as we should. Most small children don't understand abstract concepts ("You're going to bed in x number of minutes") and really need visual/auditory supports and reminders to stay on track. So we've opted to set a designated bedtime - 8pm - and really stick to it. No waivers on weekdays....TV will be turned off at 7:30pm and toys will be picked up by 7:45. Noah is able to read the clock now and we will also be setting timers each night to help him with following through. Watching a clock count down and hearing the timer has an amazing affect on children's willingness to move into action, don't you think?
The Consequences Checklist. We opted to create a graduated consequence tool (a list) that Noah can see at all times. I think this is similar to the red dot or star system teachers often use in schools. This way, he is well aware of where he's at on the list, what the next level of punishment is for any misbehavior, and how to moderate his behavior to prevent the escalation of said consequences. Some of the consequences we've chosen are: timeouts (5 minutes), loss of TV/computer/phone privileges, early bedtime, and loss of toys.
Reward tickets. I didn't want all of our new changes to be strictly negative-based reinforcement, so I think a reward system is great way of encouraging desirable behavior. Noah earns an allowance (we've cut out buying things for him on a whim), but I also wanted to implement a reward system for when he either takes great initiative to do things on his own or exhibits radical behavior modification without threat of punishment. I'd like for most of these tickets to be based on things he gets to do versus things he gets to have (as seen
here), but we occasionally may reward him with a Jamba Juice or Hot Wheels car as we see fit.
Utilizing these new methods will hopefully teach Noah exactly what is expected of him and the exact consequences for undesirable behavior. While I realize his behavior will never be perfect (whose is?) and we'll have regressions every now and then, I hope we can encourage the angry, red eyed monster to sleep more often and not annoy us with his presence...on our part or Noah's. Deployment is fast approaching and I'd like to think that I can encourage and receive more positive moments from Noah than negative ones while Chris is away. Pray for us! :)
